Selfish
by water mixed flame
Summary: He was such a selfish man... Sergey's contemplations on the later events in Mai-Otome. (AU-ish. Nina/Erstin pairing implied)


**A.N.:** I haven't written a Mai-Hime/Otome fic in...forever..., and I couldn't help but write this lil one-shot when re-watching the series. It's a bit AU because I have a soft spot for the Nina/Erstin pairing. Anyway, hope you enjoy it.

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**Disclaimer: I do not own Mai-Otome. **

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**Selfish**

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Sergey treaded slowly through the dimly lit room with feet as leaden as his heart. Coming to a stop at the closed door, he grasped the knob, and stopped. Turning, he looked over his shoulder, his eyes resting on a small silhouette curled into itself as it rested on the bed against the wall by the window.

Biting his lip, his eyes narrowed as the familiar conflicting thoughts and feelings rushed over him. Should he stay? Should he leave? It would be easy to leave, and if he stayed, what would he say when she woke up?

Sergey clenched his fist, nails digging into his palm, and relished in the sting as her despairing wail echoed in his ears.

_ "ERSTIN!"_

He flinched, sucking in a sharp breath as he remembered the stark horror that stained her face, her head shaking in disbelief as her weapons dropped from limp hands and clattered to the ground. He could remember the tears that brimmed wide eyes as she ran to the young blonde, could remember her pleading, her voice cracking in fear as she held the blonde in a desperate embrace.

He could do nothing then, only watch in stunned silence as she slowly broke down. He was not strong enough to move, only able to remain frozen as the blonde gently traced his daughter's cheek. Her hand ghosted alongside her jaw, and her teary green eyes gazed up at her lovingly as she whispered to her. He could not look away as his trembling daughter whispered back what could only be sweet nothings and false promises, and leaned forward to capture the blonde's lips in a deep, consuming kiss; a last farewell she held until the blonde disappeared from her arms and life in a sparkle of green lights.

He could do nothing as she shattered, and his soul shook when she howled to sky. He was useless when she staggered to her feet moments later and picked up her weapons, and only just remembered that Arika was their too with tears streaking down her face. He shuddered as those eyes clouded by sadness quickly sharpened in anger as she stood against his daughter. It was only when their raging yells clashed, that he could move. He remembered stumbling back, his shouts falling on deaf ears as their two grieving souls clashed in a flash of power that left him breathless.

Sergey stared at the motionless silhouette, the silent and numb puppet his daughter became, who only went through the motions of everyday life, and could only wonder for the hundreth time if this was his fault. Maybe if he weren't so selfish, maybe if he paid more attention to her and didn't obsess so much over finding the lost princess, his first love, and Arika... Maybe if he wasn't such a screw up, she wouldn't have broken, she wouldn't have been so torn between her friends and protecting his sorry ass from the Duke.

A dead laugh escaped him as he remembered how painful and frustrating it was in the beginning of what he now calls the end. How helpless and useless he was watching her force herself to be cheerful around him as she took care of him, forcing herself to be the strong one out of the two when things should have been reversed. He should have been the strong one. He should have been the one to comfort and protect her, but all he could do was say some worthless apology. He scoffed, like that could have soothed her pain, the aching loss, grief, and guilt he knew tore at her soul.

_"Don't apologize to me. Please Father, if you apologize to me..."_

Sergey ran a hand through his hair, a sigh hissing past clenched teeth. He was such a selfish man...

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_"Excuse me, I have something to say." Sergey overheard Nagi's plan to recruit and use Garderobe's students to track down Queen Mashiro and Arika, and pushed into the room._

_ "Why Sergey," Nagi spoke, that knowing smile ever on his lips, "you're feeling better already?"_

_ "Thanks to you."_

_ "So, now that you're well, what does a traitor like you want from me?" his eyes glinted, and Sergey felt as though the younger boy was toying with him._

_ "Nina is still a student, Your Highness. There's a chance she'll make errors in judgement. For this mission, I humbly request that you put me in charge instead of her."_

_ Nagi laughed as though he expected this, "You certainly are kind. Okay then. Consider this your chance to reclaim your reputation."_

_ "Yes."_

_ "But you won't get another chance after this, understand"_

_ "Of course sir." _

_ Nina opened her mouth, catching Sergey's attention. He watched her eyes glint, her brows furrowing and lips pulling down in a knowing frown, as if she figured something out that he knew, but at the time refused to acknowledge._

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Sergey sighed at the memory, _'In the end, I was only trying to fool myself.'_

He realized now, by the look in Nina's eyes and the smile on the Grand Duke's face that day that they knew exactly why he wanted the job. In the end, the only reason he got it was because the Grand Duke was toying with him.

Sergey knew he wasn't being fair to her. He knew that she was walking on pins and needles for him while he continued to act selfilshly and balance on the knife's edge. _'All for her sake,'_ he would think, but was that it? Was that really the reason why he's done what he's done while she was forced to hold the weight of his and the Duke's selfish ambitions on her shoulders alone?

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_ "Nina," he whispered, barely holding back a flinch as she looked to him; those once sharp amber eyes now dull._

_ "Father..." she whispered wearily, "Why are you doing all of these things?"_

_ Sergey cleared his throat uncomfortably, and looked away from her gaze "All of what things?"_

_ "I'm talking about the Valkarie unit. Father, you shouldn't have to. I am the Grand Duke's Otome, and as such, I should be the one who carries out his wishes."_

_ He winced at that and forced a smile on his face, turning to look Nina in the eyes, "I know, but I don't want you to have to go through with something like that. My hands are already soiled with these kinds of matters, and the one thing I can't bear is that my little girl suffer anymore than she already has."_

_ Nina's eyes flashed, her body stiffened, and for a moment, he saw her jaw tense._

_ "No," she grit out sternly, taking him aback, "This is my duty. Isn't this what you wanted?" she nearly growled out, "I am only doing what you've wished of me. I'm only doing this for the good of Arutai, right? Because it's your dream, right?" _

_ The last became more of a strained whsiper to herself than to him, and Sergey couldn't stop himself from flinching. His stomach churned in guilt._

_ "Nina-chan," he spoke softly and stepped closer to her. He reached forward to place a hand on her shoulder, only for her to step away from him._

_ "I'm sorry Sergey," her voice was tight, "but I must go. I can't keep Grand Duke Nagi waiting for me."_

_ And once again, he could only watch as she walked off; suddenly all too painfully aware of the large distance that was, and continued to grow, between them. _

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When was it that he failed her, he wondered. When was it that he lost her? Was it when he first introduced her to Nagi and told her that her duty would be to one day serve him as his Otome? Was it the pressure he put on her by constantly reminding her that all she did, all her sacrifices were for the good of the Duke and Arutai? That her serving them was all that she needed to do to make him happy?

He wanted to curse himself for placing all his narrow minded beliefs and expectations onto her shoulders. He was so blinded by his duties to his country to see her wishes and needs, to see what he was molding her into.

_ "Even if you somehow win, you'll be crushing the dreams of Nina who has endured strenuous training to enter the academy."_

Sergey scoffed quietly and leaned back and rested his head against the cool door. Her dream...he never really knew what that was. He never put as much time as he should have into really sitting down to have a proper talk with her. He took what she said at face fault, and took for granted her steadfast obedience to him.

_ 'Some father I turned out to be,'_ he scoffed, and his lips pulled up in a tired, wry smile, _'I took her under my wing; plucking her up from a resistance group who only wanted to turn her into a weapon, only to do the same. So where is that pride that I should feel now that she's become what I always pushed her to be?' _

The silhouette shifted, and Sergey flinched away from the door, holding his breath and hoping she didn't wake. He found that he couldn't face her now because the right words, whatever those were, were lost to him.

"Erstin..."

Sergey reeled, back as though he were slapped by the broken whimper, and breathed sharply. He bit the inside of his cheek as the silhouette shifted closer to the window, huddling into herself with a wrinkled paper, held close to her heart. The pale moonlight streaming into the room gently illuminated the tear tracks that stained her cheeks, and he had to wonder if there was any way to put her back together again.

"Nina," the soft whisper swept passed his lips.

The memory of just a few hours before, when he found her reading Erstin's last words, was still very raw in his mind, and the way she shattered for the second, and possibly final time haunted him. Her wails and broken shouts of all the harm she'd caused and lives she'd taken, begging the blonde to forgive her as she clutched the letter to her chest in trembling, white knuckled fists only served as a sharp reminder of how much he'd failed her.

_ "I have a duty to take care of the mistakes I've made as a soldier to Arutai, and also as a father to Nina...So right now, as her father I have to do whatever I can for her sake."_

That's what he told her; the daughter of his first love, and girl who captivated him in such a small amount of time. But as it turned out, those were just petty words and an empty promise he never had any chance of keeping because all the damage was already done and soon to be irreparable.

"Forgive me Nina," he whispered, watching with a sad but tender smile as she snuggled deeper into the bed before he continued, voice wavering, "Forgive me for my cowardice, and my selfishness. Please, bear with it for just a little bit longer. Soon this'll all be over, and you won't have to fight or suffer anymore. Soon we'll be a family again, and hopefully I can begin to attone for the mistakes I've made and start being the father you've needed me to be."

This time when Sergey turned and gripped the door's knob, he opened it and walked out without looking back, determined to be the one to protect Nina and carry her burden just as she'd done countless times for him.

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**End**

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**A.N.:** Just to clear things up, the bit in the canon where Nina took her clothes off in front of him and all that jazz did _**not**_ happen, and all he did was try to calm her down and comfort her until she fell asleep. And really,I can't say that I don't like Sergey, but there are times where he did irritate me. I'm not fond of the whole Sergey/Nina pairing either (though it is very bittersweet) because it was a bit awkward, and I really prefer it to stay on a father/daughter level. Anyway, thanks for reading! Laters.


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